


Nothing Left

by ksicard



Category: A Court of Thorns and Roses Series - Sarah J. Maas
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Book 4, Book 4: A Court of Silver Flames, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Mates, Tears
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-29
Updated: 2021-01-29
Packaged: 2021-03-15 02:34:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,533
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29056785
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ksicard/pseuds/ksicard
Summary: “Don’t you get it? There is nothing in me. Nothing left to give you. I am empty, and I have been ever since—” her voice dropped off, jaw clenched and white-knuckled hands clenching around her waist. Understanding flashed across his features as he let out a nearly silent breath he hadn’t realized he’d been holding.“Since Hybern.”
Relationships: Nesta Archeron/Cassian
Kudos: 42





	Nothing Left

**Author's Note:**

> Taking place after the teaser at the end of A Court of Frost and Starlight, and Cassian and Nesta have been in the Illyrian Mountains for several months. I'd imagine this is about mid-way through A Court of Silver Flames, after plenty of snark, sexual tension, and fighting.

It had been months. _Months._ And Nesta still barely looked at him with anything except veiled contempt—and lust, of course, but that was a different issue entirely to be addressed at a later date. At least that’s what he told himself every day after the cold shower that had become his nightly routine since they’d arrived at the Illyrian camp. 

He’d been trying to train her like he’d promised Feyra, but Nesta made it anything but easy. After their latest disaster of a training session, she’d stormed off. As she always did.

He had followed her. As he always did.

This time, though, it would turn out differently. He wasn’t going to let her shout at him followed by stony glares and stubborn remarks. And he wasn’t going to shout right back, gritting out orders for the next day’s training session amongst several other more creative word choices. 

No, not today.

Today he would get answers—the ones he knew she had, but refused to admit for some unknown reason that only the cauldron could explain. 

“Why do you act like this?” he bellowed towards her as they stomped through the woods, “Why do you treat me—treat _everyone_ like we’re worth nothing to you.”

Her only response was a growl and a flick of her wrist. 

Typical.

“Tell me you don’t feel something for me! Something, anything. Anything but this gods-damned silence,” he snarled, anger clouding his vision as any leash he had on his self-control snapped. She jerked to a halt in an empty clearing, spinning on her heel to face him with her hands in fists at her side.

Nesta’s fury rolled off of her in waves as her voice echoed through the lofted opening in the trees, “I feel nothing. _Nothing_ _—_ not for you, not for that gods-damned city or your merry little band of bastards!"

Cassian caught his flinch before she could notice. It was the most she’d said to him since they’d left Velaris, and of course it was anything but kind. 

But at least it was _something._

Eyes wide and flaming, heartbeat pounding in her chest, it seemed as though Nesta’s anger could’ve cracked the very ground they stood upon. His emotions were equally heightened, but Cassian’s brows furrowed as he glimpsed a new emotion flitting across her face. Her voice dropped to a croak, “Not even for Elain… Or for Feyre… My father. None of it. I felt nothing for any of it.”

At the hint of sorrow in her tone, his temper deflated. His body moved of its own accord as he took a hesitant step toward Nesta, but halted as she took a stumbling step back. Her eyes dimmed and her arms wrapped around her torso, an air of vulnerability surrounding her that he had only seen a hint of nearly two years before—while she was still human before… everything.

“Don’t you get it? There is nothing in me. Nothing left to give you. I am empty, and I have been ever since—” her voice dropped off, jaw clenched and white-knuckled hands clenching around her waist. Understanding flashed across his features as he let out a nearly silent breath he hadn’t realized he’d been holding.

“Since Hybern.”

A shudder wracked her tight frame at the name he hadn’t heard her utter since the battle, and he didn’t need anymore confirmation as her panicked eyes met his own. 

“Whatever ability I had for- for love, friendship, _emotions_ ,” she spat the final word, her body shaking anew and eyes casting themselves towards the ground, “whatever I had? It’s all gone now. And I don’t think it’s ever coming back.”

To his shock, he could see that she was fighting back tears—the silver that already lined her eyes building as he attempted to meet her gaze. Stepping forward slowly, he made his way across the sea of space in between them. He brought one hesitant palm up between them to cup her chin, lifting her eyes to his, and the other laid firmly on her waist.

“You know what I think?” He whispered gently, “I think that you don’t feel nothing. Quite the opposite, actually. I think you feel everything; you feel everything so strongly that it overwhelms you.”

After pausing at the sound of her breath hitching in her chest, he continued. “I think that you’re used to having to be the strong one. The one that comforted Elain. The one that supported a father that wouldn’t support you. The one who fought with every heartbeat against a monster who took your body—and tried to take even more than that,” his voice lowering into a menacing growl as his mind drifted to not only Hybern, but the human piece-of-shit that had tried to take away her choice so many years before. The human that Cassian only knew about because she had _winced_ just at the thought of the fae-hating male.

His thoughts were interrupted by a single tear slipping from her lids, running down her cheek in a shimmering trail that he whisked away with the pad of his thumb. “That strength, Nesta, is part of what makes you so incredible. But you don’t always have to be strong—you can be pissed at everything that happened, or terrified that it might happen again. You can be happy that we survived... or sad because not all of us did.”

Another tear dripped from the corner of her downturned eyes.

“Those emotions are still there. They’re still in you, you just have to be strong enough to let yourself feel them.”

Her eyes fluttered shut and her jaw clenched, her head shaking back and forth. A halting gasp wracked through her throat as the first sob ripped from her lungs. Cassian’s arms wrapped around her as he pulled her to his chest, her cries echoing around the clearing and ricocheting through his heart.

They stood like that until her legs nearly buckled from the force of her sobs. He tenderly pulled her into his arms, carrying her shuddering frame to the edge of the forest and lowering himself to sit against a towering pine tree. Her shoulders trembled and her tears soaked through his shirt to chill the skin beneath, but the only thing he could think about was where her body met his. 

He was holding her.

She was letting him _hold her_. 

While it didn’t mean much, particularly given that he was pretty sure she’d deny it happened if anyone ever asked, it was enough for him to hold his mate in this moment. The female who he’d been so enchanted by, and who had vexed him equally. But his mate, nonetheless. 

He’d wanted to comfort Nesta for months, as had Feyre, Elain, and even Rhys when he didn’t look like he wanted to strangle her. Mor had understandably kept her distance, and Az had had his hands full enough with Elain. Amren… well, she was Amren. Before Hybern the two females had shared an understanding or bond of some sort, but after being unmade and made again Amren seemed even more reclusive than before—not to mention whatever argument had occurred between them last summer.

They’d all been through a traumatic experience and knew the sorts of things Nesta was likely feeling, but none of them had realized the full extent of the unspoken agony that had clearly been raging through her since Hybern. He’d caught glimpses of it when she thought he wasn’t watching her—in the silver flames of her eyes or the involuntary clench of her stomach when faced with blades of any kind. Yes, he’d seen it, but no, he hadn’t realized.

Gradually he sensed her stilling against his chest. It could have been minutes or hours since they’d first entered the clearing for all he knew. He’d simply savored the feeling of her in his arms, and the relief he felt in finally seeing some hint of feeling from her after so many months of emptiness. Her breath warmed his cheek as she tilted her head towards his. Her eyes glistened in the starlight, making them more enchanting than he’d ever seen them. He cleared his throat.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

Her eyes lowered to his collarbone peeking from beneath his shirt. A slight shake of her head accompanied by a mumbled “Not yet.”

Not a ‘no’, then. She just needed more time to process. He’d be by her side for whatever she decided she needed.

Her gaze slid up his corded throat, lingering on his lips. A spark thundered through him as he watched her bite her bottom lip, followed by a long swallow and deep breath that brushed her chest against his. Her mouth parted and closed before she finally met his eyes again, gaze alight with a hint of playfulness mixed with a silent challenge—a look that he’d never before seen in her.

“I suppose you won’t let me use this as an excuse to not train tomorrow.”

It wasn’t a question, especially given she already knew his answer. A grin snuck across his lips as he pressed a light kiss to her forehead. 

“Not a chance.”

**Author's Note:**

> This was my first time getting back into writing since my high school days of writing 50k word Vampire Diaries fanfictions until 4am every night! While I'm generally a total Feysand shipper (and honestly wasn't even a huge Nesta fan the first time I read the series), I've been re-reading all of ACOTAR in preparation for ACOSF and am excited to see Nesta's character development in the next book. I was inspired to write the scene where she finally breaks down a bit, so I hope you enjoyed my foray into Nessian drama and it helps during the final few days until the book release. Let me know any other ideas you have as I get back into writing, and leave a comment to tell me what you think! :)


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